Life Is Good

Im sitting here in Florida poolside, unwinding. Life is going good. Classes are going at a B or C level, which is barely acceptable. Ive got a great girlfriend, who is awesome. Im surround by my family, the only group of people where I totally feel like I belong. Large groups of Vogts should be avoided by non-crazy people. I hope all my readers (if there are any) have a great Thanksgiving. Good night, and good week.

My current life

its back up. im seeing someone, and its pretty sweet. My back is doing ok, cus I got a massage today. I had this goofy smile on my face all day cus these things.
On the school front, im doing good in all my classes but statics and prolly thermo... but I can still save those grades. next semester is gonna be pretty sweet.
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Listening to: Red Hot Chili Peppers - Otherside
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Blah

im sick and tired of pain. Its getting to the point where 50 bucks and an hour of intense pain would be worth it for even a day without pain. Im not happy. I dont like my life. But I dont know how to change it. I cant drop out of school... cus I just cant. I love my major. I dont like my future. Its too... scheduled. I hate schedules and I always will. I just dont know what to do to get around them. i dont like thermodynamics. i think statics is kinda useless. EPICS is useless. Diff eq is ok. Econ is useless. Human Systems is useless. All 6 of my classes I classify as a waste of my time. thats not good. i dont enjoy class. I need to find a solution to that.

Hey

If youre reading this, post a comment. Doesnt matter what it says... I just wanna know how many actually read it. Pretty please...

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Now playing: Led Zeppelin - Misty Mountain Hop
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Amazing

I love concerts, especially Rise Against concerts. They are the only time I can be sober and shut my brain off, just not think. People dont understand how much of a curse intelligence is, of always thinking. It sucks something fierce at times. Concerts also let me move how I want, not giving a shit about others. When I do that I feel ALIVE. I feel God standing next to me, in me. Its such an amazing high. Im gonna be glowing for the next day and still coming off of it for at least a week. Ive got a fuck ton of homework to do, but I feel like saying fuck it and not doing it and crashing. I LOVE MUSIC! Its what lifts me up when im down, what makes me feel alive when Ive become a robot, and its what gets me though my toughest days.

Me

People say Im a good person, some even say Im a great/amazing person. I jsut dont see it. Ive made too many bad decisions in the past, turned away from God to many times, to be either of those things. Im not a bad person... Im just a person. Oddly appropriate song on itunes. I know God has forgiven me for all my sins, but I dont let go of things that easily. Once again an authority figure blew me off today. I turn towards them hoping they have help, hoping the have at least a partial answer to my questions... and they dont respond back. I need to learn my damn lesson an deal with my problems my own way. Aaron just doesnt understand. Yes it might be a cry for attention. But the cry is coming from someone whose never had any positive attention in their life. They are worth every second of my life. I need to be more humble about it though. I wanna spread the word of TWLOHA, but I dont want to boast or gloat or any of that. i jumped around a lot in this and Im done.

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Now playing: Linkin Park - What I've Done
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I wrote this earlier today

"I want to move. I want to feel alive. Instead Im stuck in this desk, not knowing if Im alive or in a coma dream. I want to feel the adrenaline pound through every ounce of my veins, the endorphins rush me into a physical, emotional, spiritual high. Its why Im "ADD" I think. I need to know Im alive. I sit here like a sheep, a book, something that isnt alive. I want to learn this too, but I want to feel alive. Right now, music is the beat of my life, i feel alive when it pounds into my ears, and my whole body moves with it. Its one of the best feelings I have all day.

Dang It

Im in one of my funks, where I dont feel alive. everything is so formulaic. Go to class, do homework, eat, sleep, repeat. The only times I feel alive are when Im worshiping God or when Im doing something physical. Good thing Ive got a concert Im going to in a week from tomorrow!!! Those usually last me about a month worth of feeling alive. Then around then mom will be here. I wonder when RMGA is... cus Im gonna do that this year. Even my music seems old... stale. Everything is structured, rigid, immotable. I hate it, I want free-form. I want God to come crashing in on my plans and change them, because it will be something new, something amazing.

On better news, Desi is gonna get some professional help, which will be good. i just hope I did the right thing by pushing her in that direction. I also hope that i chose the right words in the email to her RD.

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Now playing: Billy Talent - Red Flag
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Tonight

Was painful. I was so desperately afraid that Desi wasnt going to stop cutting. That she wouldnt wake up in the morning. I sat here crying for about 20 minutes... reaching out to a couple people I know. They helped some. Im glad I got such great friends. The pain is intense though... and I know one day itll be even worse, cus one day one of the people I care about will slip up, or go to deep, or something else, and they will be hospitalized or they might even die. That will hurt me. I know I wont be able to handle it, and that scares me. Today Ive realized just how much Im scared of. I think the best solution to all of it is to trust in God and let him in my life more completely. It really shook me what that pastor said today. To know that I might prevent that much pain to a family is great, but I might also be preventing the joy of that one man. I wont stop doing what I am though, because I think that its the right thing to do. I really need to talk to a pastor or something, cus Brian and John dont really have any experience in this. Then again i dont know if the pastor does either, but it sounds like he does. Next week i will talk to the pastor, or one of them.

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Now playing: Collective Soul - The World I Know
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Im so terribly confused.

I swore that I would spend at least this first semester devoting myself to God, to others, and to schoolwork ( in that order). Im going to Cru meetings, church, and Im planning on going to the growth groups too. Plus almost every night Im talking to people from TWLOHA. Im doing more schoolwork than I have ever in the past (though that might be becasue its part of my grade this year). But I met a great girl through Cru. Well, I didnt meet her, just got to know her better. I made so many bad decisions last year, and I dont want to remake them this year under a new facade. i dont know what to do. I think Im just gonna wait it out this semester and see what happens. I hope she doesnt become offended by that.

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Now playing: Rise Against - Swing Life Away
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I figured it out

I want my friends who have abandoned me back... and I have been (up to this point of revelation) unconsciously willing to do what I have sworn will never happen to get back into my old crowd. Now that I have identified the issue I can work to eliminate it. This explains my recent thoughts greatly. I need to stop caring and realize that if they were truly my friends, something as small and petty as a break up would not have separated them from me as efficiently as it has. Roxy has just about always hated me, Cedes and I mutually void each other while pretending to be friends, and I get the feeling that Jeremy and Dan have chosen to side with them rather than me... maybe because I have such a grating personality. Charles at least has kept ties with me. So fuck them... I should stop caring. But I know I wont, I never do. Hell i still think about Kirby Bray from Junior High and the group of kids that I hung out with then. hell i still think about Anthony and the Scott's from before I moved to Texas over 8 years ago. Ive said this a lot on here, but in person I pretend to not care because showing that I care gives others power over me. That is something I hate absolutely. So yea... now I just need to fix the problem, dont know how im gonna do it though... maybe just great mental effort. Though I am going to keep the promise I made to myself and God if its the only thing I do this year.

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Now playing: Train - Drops of Jupiter
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What I want

What I want is someone who when I am around, I dont have to pretend, I dont have to hold back, I can remove all the mental blocks and just say what I want and do what I want around. Ive never had that, some of the time its my fault and some of the time its not. I want a group of friends where i feel that I belong, that Im not an outsider. That one is worse because I had that for around a month or two last year, before either I alienated them or vice versa. Now everyone of them was officially downgrade to aquaintance today (except maybe charles). I know that if I jsut give up, if I jsut stop trying to make friends and all that jazz then I will never find what I want. Though sometimes the easy way looks soooooo inviting. There are so many things constantly locked away, that I would never say to people, so I say them here. It doesnt feel as good as I bet saying these things to those I ahve in mind, but it also doesnt cause any damage here. One time I did say something, and all I sounded was bitter and nothing changed. So i wont do that again.

Wrote this earlier

I wrote this on a legal pad earlier and I am going to put it here word for word.

I wanted to see you for entirely selfish reasons. I dont quite know why. Its either because I want to know if I had any real friends or I want to know if we can be friends after what we had. I know that this is going to hurt you, which is why my hand shakes so much, and why I probably wont give it to you. It feels good to get my thoughts out of my head, because that is a terrible, cold, dark, bitter, angry place most of the time. I want to see Jeremy, Dan, Charles, Mike and all the other people I hung out with last year for a different reason. I have hope that they have changed, that I have changed. That i will stop forcing people to push me to the side. That hope remains unaltered though so many people I know have unknowingly and uncaringly smashed it. THat hope is what makes me who I am and do what I do. Everyone needs an escape vent, and I am sorry that I have chosen you, even just my mental image of you. I hope that today we act like perfect friends, because it is the last thing I expect. I expect anger, sadness, shame, guilt, crying, and so much more. My hair-brained scheme will fail, like all my social-based hair-brained schemes fail, and for the same reason. I am not brave enough. I lack the courage, the strength, the fortitude, whatever. I am still trying to figure that one out. Ive given you peeks into my consciousness, into what is truly me. I just hope it was the right thing to do. Some Some people are just better than others at hiding their insanity. I suck at it.



Thats it... and now my thoughts as I reread it. We acted like friends, but there were too many pauses for it to be perfect. You looked great though, amazing. I also ran into Charles, and like 5 other people from last year, so Im not as mopey as I was. I still am saddened at several things though. Like Ive said before, it is easy for me to feel betrayed by my friends, I dont know why. It just seems like everyone else is always having all this great fun and they never think to invite me. It hurts. I expect it by now... but I still hope that change will happen.
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Now playing: Red Hot Chili Peppers - Give It Away
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Done

Im done working now!!! I leave for Colorado in 4 days! I cant wait. I have so much I have to do! Its chill, Ill get it done.I cant wait to get up there and see all my friends, chill out with my awesome roomies, and get on that damn climbing wall. Yea... I climbed a light pole at work today much to the surprise of everyone I work with. Yes I am a skinny fuck... doesnt mean Im not strong. Yesterday was fun too. My dad BBQed and it was amazing, and we were at the neighbors pool, lots of booze. Pretty girls, bikinis, laughs. All the parents got trashed. They crashed out early. My older bro and me started drinking at 2, the rest of the teenagers started around 6 or 7. The two of us were the most trashed out of anyone ( i do have to say that front flips, belly flops, and flying squirrells are a lot harder when trashed) and yet we were the most responsible. Two of the teenagers got into a fight, another one started puking her guts out off an inch of vodka. It was kinda sad. Anyways, moving along. The girls I help are going through some rough times right now. One has come back, another has left which hurt more than the first one, and the third started cutting again... which is sad, but not entirely unexpected. Ive babbled on long enough...


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Now playing: Styx - Show Me The Way
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The Pain

It hurts so much. Letting people in. Its why i used to not let anybody in. So I would never feel like this. I put up the act of not caring at all because I care too much. If the people I care about knew that I did, then they would have the power to make me feel like this. It's why I get angry at "simple" things a lot... because a lot of the time I take it as either a sign of disrespect, or a sign of apathy. Anyways... onto what caused this. Kati cut, and then when it didnt help she did something else that was stupid. She pushed me away and started to run again. And I had to make myself not fight to keep her, because I care about her. That was the hardest part... not fighting for what I believe in. Ill be there the moment she stops running though.

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Now playing: Alien Ant Farm - Sticks And Stones
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Been a While

Yea... this is gonna be a long ramble. Ive been thinking about a lot of things. Inertia is the single most evil thing upon the face of the planet. It causes people to not change. I was hoping my college friends would change, would realize that I dont assume I am invited, would realize that I like hanging out with them (yes even roxy when we arent trying too hard to piss each other off) but I wont if Im not invited. So here I was hoping they had changed when incontrovetible evidence fell into my lap that they hadnt. So even I dont change... because that happens way too often for my liking. Happened all high school, and its happening now. Oh well... ill just make new friends through cru and mlc. Im gonna try to keep to the good influences though... cus I dont want to fall into the trap that drinking has almost sent me into this summer. Two more weeks left in my summer btw. I finished my morning construction job a couple days ago... so i can start to do crap for college. Im still gonna work about 0 hours a week though, jsut for the next week though. I leave not this thursday but next. I cant wait to ge tback to college, to get out of my parents hair, to be back on my own. Id say i accomplished my goals for this summer... though not how I expected them. I learned how to cook not from my dad but from my job, i made the money but it was a complete bitch. 60 hours a week and i hurt everywhere. I have an awesome farmers tan, and I lost an inch of my waist and grew prolly an inch taller but didnt gain any weight. I am gonna kinda miss pepperonis. Oh well. I feel sad that ive finished the last harry potter book yesterday. not because the book's ending... that was awesome and everything I wanted, it was that its been ten years in my life, and it was a lot bigger part of me than I thought it was. Its why I had to finish it in one go. Ten years... thats over half my life. Two weeks...


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Now playing: OK Go - A Million Ways
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Today goes into the Lose Column

My parents had a huge fight. I am not ready to go back to work tomorrow, and Alyssa started to cut again. That is why today was a bad day.

On the brighter side, I talked to two more from TWLOHA... no idea if they will become as constant as Alyssa and Tori. And Wed. is another day closer. I guess that makes it almost neutral. Still a loss though. Oh well... back to the grindstone tommorrow, hopefully it will be a better day and rain in the morning.

TWLOHA

I am so greatful for this organization. www.twloha.com
I am not the type of person they are trying to help. Contrary to the black color scheme I have, I am not depressed, I do not cut myself, and I am not addicted to anything. It helped me still.
I heard about it from an Anberlin concert. I got involved through the facebook group, and now I am currently helping two girls who cut. One who is happy how she is, and all I can do is postpone the cutting an hour or two. I still love her, and would do anything she anted of me. The other I jsut started helping tonight. She wants to stop and I plan on helping her. I love her jsut as much as the other and once again would do anything she needed of me.
The way these two girls have helped me is seeing their pain has boggled my mind and opened my heart. I dont understand why they would take their beautiful ( and yes, they are beautiful on the outside, just like talking to them I have learned that they have a great inner beauty as well) bodies and mutilate them. I could never comprehend an emotional pain so large that it required a physical manifestation, and I have dealt with some SERIOUS shit. I wont put it on the internet but lets put it this way: biological father+jail+sick fuck+having to see him once a month for 5 years= SERIOUS SHIT. So it has made my mind question things, which is always good. It also has opened my heart. I used to be a cold hearted bastard, I admit it, everyone knows it even if they wont admit it. I never let anyone in, because I have been hurt bad in the past. Their pain has made me open my heart and pour out all the love I have held back over the years. Its no the "lets run away and get married" type of love, but an unconditional love that I have tried to think of a different way to describe it because this is going to sound very egotistical, but I think it is God's love pouring through me to show him that people do care, and so does He. I have felt my faith grow since I started to help these girls out. I am still the same heretical Christian I was, I refuse to go to a church because my church is this amazing world he has made for all of us. Yet, I havent felt the urge to lie as much as I used to, and my conscience is a louder voice in everything I do. I love what I am doing in helping these two amazing girls and I want to help more.

1408

Go see that movie now. They convey near perfectly how Stephen King crawls into your head when you read one of his novels. How he does what you expect, but then twists it out from under you and lets you fall flat onto what he really wants you to take away from the book. This movie jumped up to my top 10 fast.

Im not anorexic!

FYI. I am eating at least 2 meals a day now, like I usually do, and I was hungry for a small amount of time today... then I ate a nice juicy t-bone and a baked potato. I dont know why my body stopped eating, but my weight hasnt changed one bit so I think my body wants to keep this weight, it is a healthy weight, though a tad on the skinny side. Im like 6 foot tall and around 145 pounds.

On more news...Im finally a legal adult, or as the case may be an illegal adult. I am an adult, but i still cant drink... WTF??? This is such bullshit.

Work is going, life is going, Im enjoying it. Its odd though, I read a lot of people's stories with how they deal with self-mutilation on TWLOHA and all I can wonder is, what would drive me to do it. It also kinda wants to make me cut myself just once to see why they need it so much. So reading a bunch of people saying how terrible it is makes me want to do it. I am screwed up, but it was curiosity that killed the cat. Ill never do it though, cus I dont need to know that.

Me

I think Im anorexic. Im gonna have to analyze this because I am NEVER hungry and I only eat when I remember too. I eat one, maybe two meals a day. Its not a conscious thing if its true, cus I hate people who are anorexic or bulimic. Im gonna go and delve into my self image and my subconscious now as I do when I need to find out why i do something.

Workout

I kjust worked out for the first time in a LONG time. I ran around the block ( I estimate around 2 miles, will clock it tomorrow in my car to get an accurate count) in 16 minutes
, and then I maxed out on push-ups and sit-ups. So about an 8-minute mile ( considering my peak was only about 7, that isnt too bad) but I only got 40 sit ups and 26 pushups... which at my peak shape during wrstling I could do like 100 and 60 as a max out. So Ive become week but I plan on making this a nightly routine at least for summer but prolly longer since when i get back to school Ill have the awesome rec center open till midnight to work out in. I am gonna get back into shape and put some muscle on... or that's the plan at least.

Freedom from an Unexpected Source

The air conditioning in my car has been broken since last September, but I was in Colorado and didnt notice it or need it. Since I got back to Texas in mid May, part of me has wanted my AC. The vast majority loves the feeling i get from being the only person on the highway who has escaped the cocoon of steel and glass. Yes i go 80 miles an hour with my window down and i love to do it. I seem freer and I love the crazy look other drivers give me. Its not too much hotter or Ive just gotten use to the extra heat.

Further news, the government stole 70 bucks from my latest check for "Federal Withholding" "Social Security" and "Medicare". I'll never see that money again, not as a service to me or even the warm googly feeling of helping people. Fuck all that shit and let me spend my money how I want to. When I have the money, Ill donate to charities to help the needy, but only when I have the money. Why should I pay to help the poor when I am poor myself (though the whole having parents thing screws up me getting any money, god I hate them sometimes...jk). I hate taxes.

18 days

That is how many days Ive worked straight. oddly enough I got home from college 18.5 days ago... what a coincidence. I got a job at pepperoni's and love the people who work there, have so much fun and make decent money. I work for my neighbors but more on that in a bit. I also act as a courier for my mom's law office. I can tell that if I keep this pace up I will be burned out by August... which going to start a new year at college burned out is a bad thing. I am taking Sunday as a mental health day, going to see spamalot with a female friend. I kno wwhat you are probably thinking and there is only a friendship there, besides I think im gonna stay unentangled for at least the next 3 months if not longer. I love Texas.

Now my rant. I work like crazy as I said above.I work at least 6 hours and up to 12 hours a day depending on how many people I am working for that day. My neighbors work6 hours a day 6 days a week. So now matter how you cut it I work harder than them, and I am 17. Korinna is 20 and Rosanna is god knows how old. They complain to me about how much they work. They pay me so i just grit my teeth in what I hope is a grin and nod. Furthermore, Rosanna doesnt want to leave her 20 year daughter alone in the store in the middle of town because something might happen... which is RIDICULOUS. The poor woman is 20, let her live a little. Then again she may be physically 20, but is definitely emotionally stunted and unable to leave home. I wanted to leave home at 16, was ready to go to college 1200 miles away with no safety net to see if I could really flyand I believe I succeeded). i will now give up my soapbox to the next person.

My past week

Ive had a busy week. Lets see. I got a 100 on my Phys 2 final, a B in chem ( I found out the rest of my grades tomorrow), packed up all my shit, broke up with my girlfriend, partied to forget her, got up 6 hours later for an 11 hour drive to Las Cruces, relaxed with my Aunt and Uncle, went to Juarez where I got smashed and picked up some sweet tidbits, got the shittiest 4 hours of sleep in my life, drove another 12 hours from Las Cruces to Houston, visited my old high school, got a job, mowed the lawn, and watched 2 hours of heroes. Love that show. I hope to hang out with my friends and have a lot of fun, but my priority will be work this summer. The more money I make the less I will have to rely upon my parents for, which is a good thing to me. Its only 5.50 and I didnt ask about hours. The house will be chill if I have anything to do with it next semester, especially with my older bro's bday gift to me. I dont know what Im gonna do on the female front this summer. There is Korinna, but she is a bible thumper, and Emily, but she has a crush on Jordan and i think might be jailbait in less than a month, or some other random chick, or just wait for school. If I did get one, it would only be for the summer. I guess this is long enough for now. Bye.

Moving Out

So Im moving out of my dorm tommorrow. Im all packed up and ready to leave. it is sweet that it is summer already, but i am kinda sad that I am going home and gonna have to put up with my parents again. Good thing its only for like 3 months and then Ill be back up here in college in my own house where I can do my own cooking and not eat at the slate. Im worried right now cus my bank account is suffering and i dont know if a check I got out will bounce or not... I hope the internet is lying to me. Pulled a hundreed on my physics 2 final... gives me a nice A in the class, dont know about any of the others, they will have to wait till Tuesday at 10. I feel good about those grades though. life is going good right now, just need to get a job, make some money, and have a good summer.

Boredom

I am currently suffering from an extreme and prolonged bout of boredom. I got a house, I took one final this morning and I have two more on Monday. I should be studying but fuck that noise. I have a book I want to read sitting next to my computer but I keep staring at my computer like its about to do some new trick. Maybe I should start to pack some of my useless shit up. This is useful because I am the only one who reads it... so i can put my thoughts on stuff that is happening now in my life and think about them later when I am older/wiser/ more informed. I felt seriously snubbed by my friends earlier in the year when i found out they were all gonna live together next year and didnt even mention it to me. I kinda blame Roxy's and my clashes and spats and disagreements but I aint changing and neither is she... so i dont think I will be going over there as much as Jeremy and the others think. Ive got my own friends now who wont pull shit like that on me. I plan on a tough year next year but Ill pull through like I always do... just need to work on my study/hw habits more. Hopefully lots of board and video gaming will go down along with several parties at my place. Aaron and Bryce seem to like it some but I think me and John will be about the same in the amount we do. Ill happily drink any of them under the table though. I figure thats enough for today...

College Idiocy

My college is a bigger procrastinator than I am. Classes end in two days and they still haven't figured out who has a place up at Mines Park and who is on the wait list. i found out today that I am up shit creek without a paddle with living arrangements. So I have less than a week to figure shit out. Good thing friends are coming through for me and calling and telling me that they have open rooms. Its helped relieve a lot of the stress that is in my life right now. now I just gotta focus on the case study and my Calc 3 and Chem finals. Furthermore if anyone actually reads this bullshit Id ask that you leave a comment... and if you are a repeat reader and we dont know each other then maybe we should.

2nd Class friend.

Ever feel like a second class friend? You know sometimes you feel that your friends dont appreciate you as much as you do them. I definitely feel that way since I really started to have friends in junior high. I always find out after the fact that all my friends went out and had a great time together, but not one of them even thought to call me. I guess its kinda because I never let anyone get truly close, but that is just the way i am. I will be surprised if anyone ever reads what I will right here, so to me its a safe place to put down my thoughts about everything and blow off some steam. i have a tendency to keep thinking about stuff and then positive feedback happens and when i finally express the problems i have they are blown up larger than life. I need this to stop that tendency in me... so ill probably be making posts between once a day and once a week.