Wrote this earlier

I wrote this on a legal pad earlier and I am going to put it here word for word.

I wanted to see you for entirely selfish reasons. I dont quite know why. Its either because I want to know if I had any real friends or I want to know if we can be friends after what we had. I know that this is going to hurt you, which is why my hand shakes so much, and why I probably wont give it to you. It feels good to get my thoughts out of my head, because that is a terrible, cold, dark, bitter, angry place most of the time. I want to see Jeremy, Dan, Charles, Mike and all the other people I hung out with last year for a different reason. I have hope that they have changed, that I have changed. That i will stop forcing people to push me to the side. That hope remains unaltered though so many people I know have unknowingly and uncaringly smashed it. THat hope is what makes me who I am and do what I do. Everyone needs an escape vent, and I am sorry that I have chosen you, even just my mental image of you. I hope that today we act like perfect friends, because it is the last thing I expect. I expect anger, sadness, shame, guilt, crying, and so much more. My hair-brained scheme will fail, like all my social-based hair-brained schemes fail, and for the same reason. I am not brave enough. I lack the courage, the strength, the fortitude, whatever. I am still trying to figure that one out. Ive given you peeks into my consciousness, into what is truly me. I just hope it was the right thing to do. Some Some people are just better than others at hiding their insanity. I suck at it.



Thats it... and now my thoughts as I reread it. We acted like friends, but there were too many pauses for it to be perfect. You looked great though, amazing. I also ran into Charles, and like 5 other people from last year, so Im not as mopey as I was. I still am saddened at several things though. Like Ive said before, it is easy for me to feel betrayed by my friends, I dont know why. It just seems like everyone else is always having all this great fun and they never think to invite me. It hurts. I expect it by now... but I still hope that change will happen.
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