What I want

What I want is someone who when I am around, I dont have to pretend, I dont have to hold back, I can remove all the mental blocks and just say what I want and do what I want around. Ive never had that, some of the time its my fault and some of the time its not. I want a group of friends where i feel that I belong, that Im not an outsider. That one is worse because I had that for around a month or two last year, before either I alienated them or vice versa. Now everyone of them was officially downgrade to aquaintance today (except maybe charles). I know that if I jsut give up, if I jsut stop trying to make friends and all that jazz then I will never find what I want. Though sometimes the easy way looks soooooo inviting. There are so many things constantly locked away, that I would never say to people, so I say them here. It doesnt feel as good as I bet saying these things to those I ahve in mind, but it also doesnt cause any damage here. One time I did say something, and all I sounded was bitter and nothing changed. So i wont do that again.