Blah

im sick and tired of pain. Its getting to the point where 50 bucks and an hour of intense pain would be worth it for even a day without pain. Im not happy. I dont like my life. But I dont know how to change it. I cant drop out of school... cus I just cant. I love my major. I dont like my future. Its too... scheduled. I hate schedules and I always will. I just dont know what to do to get around them. i dont like thermodynamics. i think statics is kinda useless. EPICS is useless. Diff eq is ok. Econ is useless. Human Systems is useless. All 6 of my classes I classify as a waste of my time. thats not good. i dont enjoy class. I need to find a solution to that.

Hey

If youre reading this, post a comment. Doesnt matter what it says... I just wanna know how many actually read it. Pretty please...

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Now playing: Led Zeppelin - Misty Mountain Hop
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Amazing

I love concerts, especially Rise Against concerts. They are the only time I can be sober and shut my brain off, just not think. People dont understand how much of a curse intelligence is, of always thinking. It sucks something fierce at times. Concerts also let me move how I want, not giving a shit about others. When I do that I feel ALIVE. I feel God standing next to me, in me. Its such an amazing high. Im gonna be glowing for the next day and still coming off of it for at least a week. Ive got a fuck ton of homework to do, but I feel like saying fuck it and not doing it and crashing. I LOVE MUSIC! Its what lifts me up when im down, what makes me feel alive when Ive become a robot, and its what gets me though my toughest days.

Me

People say Im a good person, some even say Im a great/amazing person. I jsut dont see it. Ive made too many bad decisions in the past, turned away from God to many times, to be either of those things. Im not a bad person... Im just a person. Oddly appropriate song on itunes. I know God has forgiven me for all my sins, but I dont let go of things that easily. Once again an authority figure blew me off today. I turn towards them hoping they have help, hoping the have at least a partial answer to my questions... and they dont respond back. I need to learn my damn lesson an deal with my problems my own way. Aaron just doesnt understand. Yes it might be a cry for attention. But the cry is coming from someone whose never had any positive attention in their life. They are worth every second of my life. I need to be more humble about it though. I wanna spread the word of TWLOHA, but I dont want to boast or gloat or any of that. i jumped around a lot in this and Im done.

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Now playing: Linkin Park - What I've Done
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I wrote this earlier today

"I want to move. I want to feel alive. Instead Im stuck in this desk, not knowing if Im alive or in a coma dream. I want to feel the adrenaline pound through every ounce of my veins, the endorphins rush me into a physical, emotional, spiritual high. Its why Im "ADD" I think. I need to know Im alive. I sit here like a sheep, a book, something that isnt alive. I want to learn this too, but I want to feel alive. Right now, music is the beat of my life, i feel alive when it pounds into my ears, and my whole body moves with it. Its one of the best feelings I have all day.

Dang It

Im in one of my funks, where I dont feel alive. everything is so formulaic. Go to class, do homework, eat, sleep, repeat. The only times I feel alive are when Im worshiping God or when Im doing something physical. Good thing Ive got a concert Im going to in a week from tomorrow!!! Those usually last me about a month worth of feeling alive. Then around then mom will be here. I wonder when RMGA is... cus Im gonna do that this year. Even my music seems old... stale. Everything is structured, rigid, immotable. I hate it, I want free-form. I want God to come crashing in on my plans and change them, because it will be something new, something amazing.

On better news, Desi is gonna get some professional help, which will be good. i just hope I did the right thing by pushing her in that direction. I also hope that i chose the right words in the email to her RD.

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Now playing: Billy Talent - Red Flag
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Tonight

Was painful. I was so desperately afraid that Desi wasnt going to stop cutting. That she wouldnt wake up in the morning. I sat here crying for about 20 minutes... reaching out to a couple people I know. They helped some. Im glad I got such great friends. The pain is intense though... and I know one day itll be even worse, cus one day one of the people I care about will slip up, or go to deep, or something else, and they will be hospitalized or they might even die. That will hurt me. I know I wont be able to handle it, and that scares me. Today Ive realized just how much Im scared of. I think the best solution to all of it is to trust in God and let him in my life more completely. It really shook me what that pastor said today. To know that I might prevent that much pain to a family is great, but I might also be preventing the joy of that one man. I wont stop doing what I am though, because I think that its the right thing to do. I really need to talk to a pastor or something, cus Brian and John dont really have any experience in this. Then again i dont know if the pastor does either, but it sounds like he does. Next week i will talk to the pastor, or one of them.

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Now playing: Collective Soul - The World I Know
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Im so terribly confused.

I swore that I would spend at least this first semester devoting myself to God, to others, and to schoolwork ( in that order). Im going to Cru meetings, church, and Im planning on going to the growth groups too. Plus almost every night Im talking to people from TWLOHA. Im doing more schoolwork than I have ever in the past (though that might be becasue its part of my grade this year). But I met a great girl through Cru. Well, I didnt meet her, just got to know her better. I made so many bad decisions last year, and I dont want to remake them this year under a new facade. i dont know what to do. I think Im just gonna wait it out this semester and see what happens. I hope she doesnt become offended by that.

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Now playing: Rise Against - Swing Life Away
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