I figured it out

I want my friends who have abandoned me back... and I have been (up to this point of revelation) unconsciously willing to do what I have sworn will never happen to get back into my old crowd. Now that I have identified the issue I can work to eliminate it. This explains my recent thoughts greatly. I need to stop caring and realize that if they were truly my friends, something as small and petty as a break up would not have separated them from me as efficiently as it has. Roxy has just about always hated me, Cedes and I mutually void each other while pretending to be friends, and I get the feeling that Jeremy and Dan have chosen to side with them rather than me... maybe because I have such a grating personality. Charles at least has kept ties with me. So fuck them... I should stop caring. But I know I wont, I never do. Hell i still think about Kirby Bray from Junior High and the group of kids that I hung out with then. hell i still think about Anthony and the Scott's from before I moved to Texas over 8 years ago. Ive said this a lot on here, but in person I pretend to not care because showing that I care gives others power over me. That is something I hate absolutely. So yea... now I just need to fix the problem, dont know how im gonna do it though... maybe just great mental effort. Though I am going to keep the promise I made to myself and God if its the only thing I do this year.

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What I want

What I want is someone who when I am around, I dont have to pretend, I dont have to hold back, I can remove all the mental blocks and just say what I want and do what I want around. Ive never had that, some of the time its my fault and some of the time its not. I want a group of friends where i feel that I belong, that Im not an outsider. That one is worse because I had that for around a month or two last year, before either I alienated them or vice versa. Now everyone of them was officially downgrade to aquaintance today (except maybe charles). I know that if I jsut give up, if I jsut stop trying to make friends and all that jazz then I will never find what I want. Though sometimes the easy way looks soooooo inviting. There are so many things constantly locked away, that I would never say to people, so I say them here. It doesnt feel as good as I bet saying these things to those I ahve in mind, but it also doesnt cause any damage here. One time I did say something, and all I sounded was bitter and nothing changed. So i wont do that again.

Wrote this earlier

I wrote this on a legal pad earlier and I am going to put it here word for word.

I wanted to see you for entirely selfish reasons. I dont quite know why. Its either because I want to know if I had any real friends or I want to know if we can be friends after what we had. I know that this is going to hurt you, which is why my hand shakes so much, and why I probably wont give it to you. It feels good to get my thoughts out of my head, because that is a terrible, cold, dark, bitter, angry place most of the time. I want to see Jeremy, Dan, Charles, Mike and all the other people I hung out with last year for a different reason. I have hope that they have changed, that I have changed. That i will stop forcing people to push me to the side. That hope remains unaltered though so many people I know have unknowingly and uncaringly smashed it. THat hope is what makes me who I am and do what I do. Everyone needs an escape vent, and I am sorry that I have chosen you, even just my mental image of you. I hope that today we act like perfect friends, because it is the last thing I expect. I expect anger, sadness, shame, guilt, crying, and so much more. My hair-brained scheme will fail, like all my social-based hair-brained schemes fail, and for the same reason. I am not brave enough. I lack the courage, the strength, the fortitude, whatever. I am still trying to figure that one out. Ive given you peeks into my consciousness, into what is truly me. I just hope it was the right thing to do. Some Some people are just better than others at hiding their insanity. I suck at it.



Thats it... and now my thoughts as I reread it. We acted like friends, but there were too many pauses for it to be perfect. You looked great though, amazing. I also ran into Charles, and like 5 other people from last year, so Im not as mopey as I was. I still am saddened at several things though. Like Ive said before, it is easy for me to feel betrayed by my friends, I dont know why. It just seems like everyone else is always having all this great fun and they never think to invite me. It hurts. I expect it by now... but I still hope that change will happen.
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Now playing: Red Hot Chili Peppers - Give It Away
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Done

Im done working now!!! I leave for Colorado in 4 days! I cant wait. I have so much I have to do! Its chill, Ill get it done.I cant wait to get up there and see all my friends, chill out with my awesome roomies, and get on that damn climbing wall. Yea... I climbed a light pole at work today much to the surprise of everyone I work with. Yes I am a skinny fuck... doesnt mean Im not strong. Yesterday was fun too. My dad BBQed and it was amazing, and we were at the neighbors pool, lots of booze. Pretty girls, bikinis, laughs. All the parents got trashed. They crashed out early. My older bro and me started drinking at 2, the rest of the teenagers started around 6 or 7. The two of us were the most trashed out of anyone ( i do have to say that front flips, belly flops, and flying squirrells are a lot harder when trashed) and yet we were the most responsible. Two of the teenagers got into a fight, another one started puking her guts out off an inch of vodka. It was kinda sad. Anyways, moving along. The girls I help are going through some rough times right now. One has come back, another has left which hurt more than the first one, and the third started cutting again... which is sad, but not entirely unexpected. Ive babbled on long enough...


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Now playing: Styx - Show Me The Way
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The Pain

It hurts so much. Letting people in. Its why i used to not let anybody in. So I would never feel like this. I put up the act of not caring at all because I care too much. If the people I care about knew that I did, then they would have the power to make me feel like this. It's why I get angry at "simple" things a lot... because a lot of the time I take it as either a sign of disrespect, or a sign of apathy. Anyways... onto what caused this. Kati cut, and then when it didnt help she did something else that was stupid. She pushed me away and started to run again. And I had to make myself not fight to keep her, because I care about her. That was the hardest part... not fighting for what I believe in. Ill be there the moment she stops running though.

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Now playing: Alien Ant Farm - Sticks And Stones
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Been a While

Yea... this is gonna be a long ramble. Ive been thinking about a lot of things. Inertia is the single most evil thing upon the face of the planet. It causes people to not change. I was hoping my college friends would change, would realize that I dont assume I am invited, would realize that I like hanging out with them (yes even roxy when we arent trying too hard to piss each other off) but I wont if Im not invited. So here I was hoping they had changed when incontrovetible evidence fell into my lap that they hadnt. So even I dont change... because that happens way too often for my liking. Happened all high school, and its happening now. Oh well... ill just make new friends through cru and mlc. Im gonna try to keep to the good influences though... cus I dont want to fall into the trap that drinking has almost sent me into this summer. Two more weeks left in my summer btw. I finished my morning construction job a couple days ago... so i can start to do crap for college. Im still gonna work about 0 hours a week though, jsut for the next week though. I leave not this thursday but next. I cant wait to ge tback to college, to get out of my parents hair, to be back on my own. Id say i accomplished my goals for this summer... though not how I expected them. I learned how to cook not from my dad but from my job, i made the money but it was a complete bitch. 60 hours a week and i hurt everywhere. I have an awesome farmers tan, and I lost an inch of my waist and grew prolly an inch taller but didnt gain any weight. I am gonna kinda miss pepperonis. Oh well. I feel sad that ive finished the last harry potter book yesterday. not because the book's ending... that was awesome and everything I wanted, it was that its been ten years in my life, and it was a lot bigger part of me than I thought it was. Its why I had to finish it in one go. Ten years... thats over half my life. Two weeks...


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