TWLOHA

I am so greatful for this organization. www.twloha.com
I am not the type of person they are trying to help. Contrary to the black color scheme I have, I am not depressed, I do not cut myself, and I am not addicted to anything. It helped me still.
I heard about it from an Anberlin concert. I got involved through the facebook group, and now I am currently helping two girls who cut. One who is happy how she is, and all I can do is postpone the cutting an hour or two. I still love her, and would do anything she anted of me. The other I jsut started helping tonight. She wants to stop and I plan on helping her. I love her jsut as much as the other and once again would do anything she needed of me.
The way these two girls have helped me is seeing their pain has boggled my mind and opened my heart. I dont understand why they would take their beautiful ( and yes, they are beautiful on the outside, just like talking to them I have learned that they have a great inner beauty as well) bodies and mutilate them. I could never comprehend an emotional pain so large that it required a physical manifestation, and I have dealt with some SERIOUS shit. I wont put it on the internet but lets put it this way: biological father+jail+sick fuck+having to see him once a month for 5 years= SERIOUS SHIT. So it has made my mind question things, which is always good. It also has opened my heart. I used to be a cold hearted bastard, I admit it, everyone knows it even if they wont admit it. I never let anyone in, because I have been hurt bad in the past. Their pain has made me open my heart and pour out all the love I have held back over the years. Its no the "lets run away and get married" type of love, but an unconditional love that I have tried to think of a different way to describe it because this is going to sound very egotistical, but I think it is God's love pouring through me to show him that people do care, and so does He. I have felt my faith grow since I started to help these girls out. I am still the same heretical Christian I was, I refuse to go to a church because my church is this amazing world he has made for all of us. Yet, I havent felt the urge to lie as much as I used to, and my conscience is a louder voice in everything I do. I love what I am doing in helping these two amazing girls and I want to help more.

1408

Go see that movie now. They convey near perfectly how Stephen King crawls into your head when you read one of his novels. How he does what you expect, but then twists it out from under you and lets you fall flat onto what he really wants you to take away from the book. This movie jumped up to my top 10 fast.

Im not anorexic!

FYI. I am eating at least 2 meals a day now, like I usually do, and I was hungry for a small amount of time today... then I ate a nice juicy t-bone and a baked potato. I dont know why my body stopped eating, but my weight hasnt changed one bit so I think my body wants to keep this weight, it is a healthy weight, though a tad on the skinny side. Im like 6 foot tall and around 145 pounds.

On more news...Im finally a legal adult, or as the case may be an illegal adult. I am an adult, but i still cant drink... WTF??? This is such bullshit.

Work is going, life is going, Im enjoying it. Its odd though, I read a lot of people's stories with how they deal with self-mutilation on TWLOHA and all I can wonder is, what would drive me to do it. It also kinda wants to make me cut myself just once to see why they need it so much. So reading a bunch of people saying how terrible it is makes me want to do it. I am screwed up, but it was curiosity that killed the cat. Ill never do it though, cus I dont need to know that.

Me

I think Im anorexic. Im gonna have to analyze this because I am NEVER hungry and I only eat when I remember too. I eat one, maybe two meals a day. Its not a conscious thing if its true, cus I hate people who are anorexic or bulimic. Im gonna go and delve into my self image and my subconscious now as I do when I need to find out why i do something.

Workout

I kjust worked out for the first time in a LONG time. I ran around the block ( I estimate around 2 miles, will clock it tomorrow in my car to get an accurate count) in 16 minutes
, and then I maxed out on push-ups and sit-ups. So about an 8-minute mile ( considering my peak was only about 7, that isnt too bad) but I only got 40 sit ups and 26 pushups... which at my peak shape during wrstling I could do like 100 and 60 as a max out. So Ive become week but I plan on making this a nightly routine at least for summer but prolly longer since when i get back to school Ill have the awesome rec center open till midnight to work out in. I am gonna get back into shape and put some muscle on... or that's the plan at least.

Freedom from an Unexpected Source

The air conditioning in my car has been broken since last September, but I was in Colorado and didnt notice it or need it. Since I got back to Texas in mid May, part of me has wanted my AC. The vast majority loves the feeling i get from being the only person on the highway who has escaped the cocoon of steel and glass. Yes i go 80 miles an hour with my window down and i love to do it. I seem freer and I love the crazy look other drivers give me. Its not too much hotter or Ive just gotten use to the extra heat.

Further news, the government stole 70 bucks from my latest check for "Federal Withholding" "Social Security" and "Medicare". I'll never see that money again, not as a service to me or even the warm googly feeling of helping people. Fuck all that shit and let me spend my money how I want to. When I have the money, Ill donate to charities to help the needy, but only when I have the money. Why should I pay to help the poor when I am poor myself (though the whole having parents thing screws up me getting any money, god I hate them sometimes...jk). I hate taxes.

18 days

That is how many days Ive worked straight. oddly enough I got home from college 18.5 days ago... what a coincidence. I got a job at pepperoni's and love the people who work there, have so much fun and make decent money. I work for my neighbors but more on that in a bit. I also act as a courier for my mom's law office. I can tell that if I keep this pace up I will be burned out by August... which going to start a new year at college burned out is a bad thing. I am taking Sunday as a mental health day, going to see spamalot with a female friend. I kno wwhat you are probably thinking and there is only a friendship there, besides I think im gonna stay unentangled for at least the next 3 months if not longer. I love Texas.

Now my rant. I work like crazy as I said above.I work at least 6 hours and up to 12 hours a day depending on how many people I am working for that day. My neighbors work6 hours a day 6 days a week. So now matter how you cut it I work harder than them, and I am 17. Korinna is 20 and Rosanna is god knows how old. They complain to me about how much they work. They pay me so i just grit my teeth in what I hope is a grin and nod. Furthermore, Rosanna doesnt want to leave her 20 year daughter alone in the store in the middle of town because something might happen... which is RIDICULOUS. The poor woman is 20, let her live a little. Then again she may be physically 20, but is definitely emotionally stunted and unable to leave home. I wanted to leave home at 16, was ready to go to college 1200 miles away with no safety net to see if I could really flyand I believe I succeeded). i will now give up my soapbox to the next person.